Background

My friend Kate gave chastity talks and needed a guy’s perspective so she asked me to write up some thoughts on why and how I stay chaste. Below is what I sent her.

I know why

The first and most important way I’m able to stay chaste is because I know why I’m doing it. It is deeply ingrained and internalized in me. It’s part of my identity.

I’m chaste for many reasons. There are the two big obvious ones: I don’t have to worry about unplanned pregnancies or painful/embarrassing STDs.

But for me, a lot of it boils down to simplicity: by living a chaste life I also live a very worry-free life. I don’t have to fret about when I should try to sleep with a woman I’ve been seeing, or when the right time is to move in together, or whether she’ll dump me because I don’t stack up to other guys she’s been with.

I know that if I’m seeing someone, she likes me for me. I’m not being used. Our communication is so much stronger and we find creative and adventurous ways to spend our time together. I’m able to love her more and know that it’s a true, pure love on both our parts. This is a much sturdier foundation on which to build a permanent, lifelong commitment (marriage) and makes the sex that much deeper and more fulfilling.

And if things don’t work out with whomever I’m dating, I know that her future husband will thank me. (“Do unto others…”). There also isn’t as much emotional pain during a breakup because we haven’t been chemically tied to one another.

I know I’m not disappointing family and friends or letting them down by putting them in an awkward situation. I’m looking forward to giving this gift only to my wife. My faith also plays a huge part and I’m able to see the beauty in sexuality that is such a cheap counterfeit outside of marriage.

I have help

I also have accountability systems in place. My friends and family know this is the lifestyle I’ve chosen to live, and so does anyone I might be dating. We communicate and are on the same page. That is so important. There have been times where I got caught up in the moment, lost my head, and was willing to go further, but because my girlfriend was on the same page and it was both really important to us, she was able to put a stop to it. At other times, the situation was completely reversed, where I stopped her from going further than we agreed. We are all weak at times and having “accountabilibuddies” strengthens me in those times and helps me avoid decision I would deeply regret.

Communication with my girlfriend goes hand and hand with accountability. Some of my best conversations with women I’ve dated have been around this. Vulnerability is a relationship steroid and there’s not much more vulnerable than this! You have to be in it together. If you can’t agree on something as basic as this, there’s not much hope for the future. Don’t waste both your time on something that isn’t going to work out!

I steer clear of risky situations

To make chastity a whole lot easier, I avoid risky situations and don’t go looking for sex. I’m mostly talking about sex in the context of relationships but I also avoid situations that could lead to hookups or one-night stands. Again, this is where accountability comes into play because if I go out and start having a good time with someone, my friends will make sure I don’t make any poor decisions that night.

I also try to avoid risky situations within a relationship. There have been times where I found myself in my girlfriend’s bedroom at 2 a.m. after we’d both been drinking and it was so much more difficult than it should have been. We held each other accountable, but it wasn’t worth the risk. It’s hard enough as it is to stay abstinent when culture bombards us with sex all the time. I try not to make it even more difficult than it is.

I also avoid risky situations when I’m alone. You will be more tempted late at night when you’re tired and perhaps feeling lonely. Porn and/or masturbation are only going to make things worse. It will only get you thinking about sex more and these are some of the biggest strains on any relationship.

To that end, I also don’t watch TV shows or movies that have a lot of sex and nudity. They just aren’t worth it.

I have safeguards in place

I’ve noticed that our world is full of slippery slopes. It seems to be the most predominant landscape feature, in fact. So even though I steer clear of overtly dangerous situations, I still keep the “boiled frog” parable in mind: if you put a frog in boiling water, it will immediately jump out; but if you put it in room-temperature water and slowly raise the heat, it won’t notice it’s being cooked until too late.

To that end, I’ve drawn a line in the sand for what I won’t do before I’m married. It’s very easy in the moment to go a little bit further than you planned. And then the next time you go even further. And before you know it, you’re doing exactly what you vowed not to. This is where accountability and communication with your girlfriend again comes into play. You need to decide–ahead of time–where you both draw the line so that it’s easily recognizable when you get close to crossing it. I even set it a few paces back from what I’m willing to do so it’s not a disaster if I do cross the line.

I get back up when I fall

Abstinence isn’t easy, but then again, nothing worth doing in life is. There’s courage, masculinity, and moxie in chastity. Even a bit of rebellion.

So, after those times when I slipped up, when I started sliding down the hill, I made sure to not let that be an excuse to continue doing it. I’ve noticed a curious psychological phenomenon in myself when I’m on a diet: if I “cheat” when I’m not supposed to, I suddenly find myself rationalizing, “Well, I already broke the diet with that piece of pizza. I might as well eat a quart of ice cream now.” I’ve heard horror stories of people who had sex and then rationalized in this same way, until after a while it became no big deal. I don’t ever want to get to that point.

There’s a level of tenacity to this. Here are two quotes that inspire me to stay in the fight, keep going, and do better:

“Success consists of getting up just one more time than you fall.” – Oliver Goldsmith

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

I have healthy outlets

One of the great things about being chaste is that you can channel all that energy into other things. I find the best way I deal with pent-up energy is by refocusing on some sort of physical or creative activity. Planning ahead, I have several backup plans in case I start experiencing lust. If I’m by myself, I’ll do some pushups. If that would be totally inappropriate for the situation, I distract my mind by praying or practicing some mental exercise like a speech I’ve been trying to memorize (the Teddy Roosevelt one above is a great start!). I also know that even when I’m married, there will be times when I’m on a business trip or other scenarios where these techniques will be indispensable.

Summary

To summarize, these are some of the tools I keep in my arsenal to be CHASTE:

  • Comprehension: I know why I am waiting.
  • Help: I involve my friends and girlfriend in holding me accountable and do the same for them.
  • Avoidance: I steer clear of risky situations.
  • Safeguards: I set limits, back away from slippery slopes, and don’t boil the frog.
  • Tenacity: If I happen to exceed those limits, I immediately get back up and recommit myself.
  • Escapes: I have healthy outlets.

A final word on dealing with temptation

Even with these structures in place, temptation is still going to come along every once in a while, so, inspired by St. Ignatius of Loyola’s “Rules for Discernment”, here’s how I deal with it:

Before the temptation

  1. Make the commitment to be chaste. Know why you are doing it.
  2. Vow never to make a change in the heat of the moment. Stick to the principles you made with a clear head.
  3. Prepare for the temptation by foreseeing potential trouble situations and planning outlets.
  4. Shore up the areas of your life where you tend to fall the most. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, so identify it and fix it.

During the temptation

  1. Refocus/find an outlet.
  2. Know the temptation will pass soon.
  3. Remember previous successful attempts.
  4. Firmly reject the temptation at it’s first sign and do the exact opposite.
  5. Tell somebody what you’re going through, no matter how odd or ridiculous the temptation seems.

Post-temptation debrief

  1. Reflect on the temptation and evaluate your performance.
  2. Stay humble, even in your successes.
  3. Review the “Before” steps for the next time!