Remember all of your past heartbreaks. Notice how the further back you go, the more hazy are the details. The same will be true for this one. The saying “time heals all wounds” is true, but looking at it this way provides some solid, personal evidence so you can’t just dismiss the aphorism as trite.

Also remember the times someone broke your heart and then later came around. Often, you weren’t interested in them by the time they came around, so use this as twofold evidence: there’s always hope, and you are good at getting over people.

In an attempt to numb the pain in your heart with the aid of your brain, you might be tempted to brainstorm or list all the things you didn’t like about the one who hurt you. Don’t. First of all, that’s just mean. But it’s also unhealthy. Simply acknowledge that there are reasons they weren’t perfect—since no one is—but you wouldn’t have loved them if the “pros” didn’t outweigh the “cons”. They just weren’t the right fit, and as you’ve always done in the past, the next person you fall for really hard will seem like such a better match.

Use the pain for something productive. Not only is your outlet a great distraction, but deep emotion makes for excellent creative fuel. Taylor Swift writes songs, I write screenplays. As tender as your heart is, it’s also the best time to tap into your emotions to create something of true, universal, and impactful beauty. For as much as it feels like you’re the only one in the world who is going through this, the reason we can identify with tearjerker songs and movies is because they are shared by all mankind.

And just like a good screenplay, “show, don’t tell”. It’s unproductive to have a long, sit-down chat with the one who broke your heart. New things will come up from that conversation and then you’ll feel like you need another chat for true “closure”. Closure doesn’t come with words, it comes with action and time. So instead of making promises or “clearing the air”, just be the best human being you can, handling the situation with courage and integrity, and thereby prove (even if only to yourself) that you’re not a sore loser but will be such a better match in your next relationship.

Thinking about a “next relationship” might be difficult if you’re still hung up on this person. If it makes you feel better, the next relationship could potentially be with this person. (This is usually not likely, but you first need to acknowledge the fact that this relationship is over. Baby steps.) I once said of some friends who had been dating for awhile: “The two of them might get married, but this relationship won’t lead to it.” Sometimes you need a reset.

Recognize that in some ways love—like the hiring process—is a numbers game. Make opportunities to meet new people. Not only will this give you excuses to not constantly be around the person who broke your heart, but social distraction in general is beneficial. You don’t want to be alone all the time while grieving.

Schedule time to process, worry, feel the pain and try not to allow yourself to do any of this at other parts of the day. Of course a memory may sweep you away in the moment but before you spend a lot of time dwelling on it, defer it until later. This has a couple of benefits: first, the pain is concentrated to a relatively short window. (I personally prefer short durations of intense pain compared to drawn-out moderate pain, but that could just be me. I believe it’s going to be the same volume of pain regardless, so I might as well get it out of the way as soon as I can.) Second, you aren’t spending entire days dwelling on the hurt. A compressed window also limits the amount of time you have to spiral downwards in unhealthy thought patterns, memories, imaginings (especially of them with their new interest if that’s the case), and other torture devices our mind is so skilled at fabricating. But having a time to process your thoughts and feelings will help with the overall grieving process, so don’t just try to shove the feelings down and never acknowledge them. They will eventually explode and you’ll be worse off than ever.

If they are seeing someone new, one of the classiest and most freeing things you can do is give your blessing.

Do a Breakup Bulk-Up.

Ite ad Ioseph.

Read books on abandonment. I highly recommend: